Today, many people told me that I inspired them.
But I
am not inspired anymore.
Inspired to do what? My short-term goals include watching the upcoming sports tournaments. My long-term goals … I don’t have any.
In an “assessment” module of a future leadership programme (Why am I in a future leadership programme? Beats me!), I got asked, what I aspire to become. Why anyone would ask a bored, cynical, wizened, indifferent middle-aged person what they want to be when they grow up, is beyond me.
Anyway, I could not tell them truthfully that I aspire to become an eminent couch-potato imminently. So, I made up some stuff about how I want to take my team to the next level by leveraging our core strengths taking advantage of our customer-closeness and extend them to create innovative healthcare solutions following global megatrends for this VUCA world, etc.
By now, I have a wide assortment of male bovine excreta and a well-honed skill of choosing the correct one from my sizable collection for any given situation.
Milestones
are a good point in time to stop and look back on how things have gone so far.
This particular milestone of mine is just for turning up. On 1st
July 1996, exactly 30 years ago today, I turned up at the newly awarded building
at Trinity Circle to start off my work career. Since then, apart from four days
when I changed job, I have turned up every day.
This concept of just turning up has a term in Tamil, which roughly translates as “Throwing garbage”. So yes, I have successfully thrown garbage for 30 full years now. Was it just that then? Throwing garbage?
Ten days before I started my career, two others, one a few days older and another a few months younger than me, started their international careers at the Lord’s cricket ground. They didn’t just turn up. They started with a 131 and a 95 respectively and ended up being legends, changing the way their game was played and excelling to a pinnacle in it. While I have been an also-ran.
That is one way of looking at it.
But, no, I was not uninspired all the time.
I was enthusiastic about learning C++ and German. I diligently attended the classes on SW Engineering. I fervently attended the 4-day workshop on Object Oriented Programming at Atria Hotel – although that could have been a combination of the excellent quality of the butter naan and the good looks of the girl from another company, who sat next to me.
I was eager when I went to Germany and created the entire UI for one of the modules in a month (I know that Claude-Sonnet can do it in minutes, but we are talking about November 1996 here! And I barely hallucinated). I was passionate when I took over another module and handled the entire technical team in 2000. I was keen when I moved to create an application which used the very platform I had written and came up with a patent in 2002.
My career meandered through many roles, projects, people and achievements. I would like to think I contributed to the roles and projects that I was associated with. I would also like to imagine that I positively touched the lives of at least some of the people I worked with in these three decades.
So no, I didn’t just turn up. I might have made a bit of a difference.
So
wherefore this imposter syndrome? And wherefore this ennui?
Ashenden, the author and spy, who is the protagonist of a set of short stories by W. S. Maugham, prides himself on the fact that he is incapable of being bored. He says that wherever you put him for hours or even days without company, he can be entertained by only his thoughts. That was a whole century and a bit ago when there were no distractions that we have today. It is the distractions though. I have not read a good book properly in a couple of years. All I need to do is keep the phone away and start reading again.
There, I am inspired again.
But am I inspired enough to trudge through this drudge for another several years?
